Yes...I did do it...

So I finally did the unspeakable. I got the tattoo I had been wanting to get this past Wednesday. I almost backed out at first, afraid that I would get it and regret it for the rest of my life. I started looking at the cost of removal surgery and what it all entails. My stomach was in knots, my throat was dry and it was like that for the two days leading up to the process. When I went in I had him put the stencil on my arm and let me look at it...to see if I could really picture this new addition to my body being permanent. Once he did that I was done for. I sat down...told him to do it...and away he went. After and hour I walked out of there with a new tattoo on my forearm and a weird sense of completion? Not in the spiritual sense but in a "I finally did something i've had on my list for a long time" feeling. Anyway...if you havent had one...dont get one because they are addicting. But at the same time...I would tell you to do it...I don't know...its different for everyone im sure...yeah its probably different for everyone. I will be adding pictures later...and make sure you keep reading this next week...Nathan and I depart for New York on tuesday and i'm sure he and I will have some interesting things to say.

21 and Invincible...?

I remember the days when birthdays seemed to last forever, with the wait to get there even longer. Now no matter how much enthusiasm you express its not enough to make each day seem like its not just another day. I will have to say this though. The older I get the less I look for gifts or money or anything in the form of the physical. I just want to spend it with my friends and family...the people I care about most. I know it seems like a patented old man thing to say but its true for me in so many ways. My birthday was two days ago and I found myself wanting to just be around everyone laughing and enjoying the company and not thinking when the perfect time to get my presents was going to be. I went to dinner with my family and towards the end of the meal I didn't want to get up. In fact I was hoping that random people would just find their way in to this brilliant celebration that was my birthday. When we left, one of my best friends set up a time for me and some of my friends to go out and have a good time, just hanging out and again enjoying the company. It was at the second part of the night that I slowly started realizing for the first time what is truly important. With each passing birthday since ive turned 18...I haven't had that unstoppable mentality. I havent looked in the mirror and thought to myself the rest of my life may lay ahead of me but theres no better time than right now. Now all I can think about is the tomorrow that will come...each new path that is set in front of me. I encourage you to search yourself...find what is important, embrace it and remember that there is no greater time than tomorrow.

Check this out...

I purchased a pair of Toms Shoes about 6 months ago. If you haven't heard of Toms heres the gist. With every pair of Toms shoes purchased a child in Africa gets a pair of shoes. The cost of the shoes you purchase don't affect the shoes the children get so any shoe you can buy would be helpful. I watched a shoedrop that they did in November and it was one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Sometimes we take for granted something as simple as shoes. I was watching these children walk up with shoes with flopping soles and the bottoms tied to their feet. Seeing the look on their face was worth the money spent. I would love to go personally and help out with the drop but until then I will encourage everyone reading this to check them out and do what you can to help the kids out. The website is www.tomsshoes.com. On top of helping out the children in Africa...the shoes are pretty cool too! So go take a look.

If YOU could...?

Sometimes I wonder if one of the smallest things that have happened to me could be changed if it would completely alter the path that I've taken this far. I don't mean something traumatic like parents divorcing or deciding to go away from home for school but something as simple as a broken friendship or a job in high school or just a book that has changed my life now but could have spoke in volumes just a few years before. I always think about things like that. I've been finding myself lately creating different situations or outcomes and I just find it hard to believe that anything would change. What if I had stayed with that one girl from high school for just a little bit longer. Would I be married right now with children and a job on the opposite end of the spectrum of my work now? Ok...I understand thats can't really be considered as something small or minute. But I guess the point I'm trying to get at is not where we would be if these "small" things had or hadn't happened but that maybe even the small things that occur can be considered detrimental in the outcome of our lives. I mean what if I would have picked up a basketball instead of a guitar ( I know there are some people reading this that just started laughing). But in all seriousness...what situations should be filed away as life-shaping and which should just be shrugged off? It also brings up the age old question of "If you could go back, what would you change?" But if those things that I wish I can change will change the outcome of my life now...I would be the first to admit that I would leave everything the way it is. Sure there are the relationships that broke me and the relationships that I broke the other involved, words that were said that hurt me and words that I said that may have damaged someone else all of the woulda shoulda couldas. I'm just slowly starting to become less of an advocate for the invention of a time machine the older I get.

Should there be a different route...?

It's funny how life starts to play with you and how you think you have things figured out but its usually right about that time that you start seeing that you don't. I've been planning on moving to Kentucky for about 4 months now and my reasoning was because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Naples was not where I was suppose to be. "I don't have a life here" I would say or "All of my friends are in Kentucky". I'm not rethinking my decision to leave by any means but if you would have talked to me two or three months ago...I would have told you I absolutely hate this place and that there is nothing here to offer me. But recently it's like things have picked up and I am starting to enjoy myself more than I have in the past. Most of my friends are home for the summer so I know I can attribute most of it to that but its almost like somethings off sometimes and I shouldn't be as happy here as I've been...like its just not normal. Everyone around me has been full of absolutes...its either "You should move" or "You shouldn't you're not going to be happy". I feel like I'm the only person who can tell myself "I don't really know what you should do". I'm excited to move. I want to start a new chapter in my life and change my whole persona completely. I want to be who I have longed to be without wondering if I will feel uncomfortable in this new skin or if people will few me in a different light because I'm embracing a different side of me. What I mean by that is a more cultured side...a more intellectual side. No more mindless entertainment or cheap thrills (i've always wanted to say that) but, actually growing myself and digging deeper into who I really am. But with all that said and all the excitement that is growing in me...I still hate the fact that the temporary happiness I'm enjoying has been allowed to torment me in even the smallest way possible by making me feel an ounce of doubt.

If only I could

My contacts are drying out. I'm not 100% sure that thats the problem or if its the fact that im so exhausted my actual eye sockets are retracting and trying to convince me to put them to rest. I have this thought and the question behind it is, what if we can only be defined by one thing? What if there is one attribute that allows us to feel so separated by one another that it almost compels us to become the people we are. The question kind of coincides with the quote from Rilke (read the post titled "Letters"), in that if I could no longer write my music or appreciate music or have it in any part of my life I would feel as if my legs have been taken from me. I don't mean it so much in the sense of..."If I don't write today I will lose my mind" but more in the being defined in the regularity of my talent and with its absence I would be standing in a empty room twiddling my thumbs and asking myself whats next. It makes me thing of a movie...a ridiculous one..but its called "Stuck On You". In the movie, if you haven't seen it, there are two brothers and they happen to be Siamese twins. To make a long story short they move to hollywood and while out there they decide to undergo surgery to separate themselves from one another. After the surgery is a success, the brothers find themselves doing things on their own without the "support" of the other. But the scene that gets me is the older brother played by Greg Kinnear is sitting on a bench reading the paper and finds himself scooting right next to the statue at the other side of the bench until eventually he is on top of it. He didn't know how to act without the other half being attached. They were defined by others as the Siamese brothers but to themselves they were what kept the other half running properly. So in the same sense do the things we love to do, the passion that drives us, not the day to day normality of a job or school, but whats at the center of our heart define who we truly are? Does this make sense, or should this just be a post that kind of fades into the rest? Tell me what you think...

Isn't it?

I find it ironic that three posts ago I was complaining that I was feeling less inspired than normal and now since that I havent been able to sleep because its been running through me like coffee. I can't explain the feeling when you get an idea and frantically look for paper to put it down on...its freeing in some way. Its as if its been held prisoner for so long and it finally is released, a weight of your shoulders. The odd thing is that its been music that I never imagined I could write...different yet similar. I can't explain that either...maybe one day I'll get the courage to leave this secluded house of mine and play out. I just feel like theres one more thing that needs to occur before that happens and I keep looking for it but it hasn't come yet. I don't know if talking it out makes any sense to anyone else but its organizing things in my own head. I love to write yet its the thing that haunts me. If I don't write the proverbial monkey is there on my back telling me that I need to be and when I want to the monkeys in my face distracting me from focusing on it. So as it seems I must succumb to the late night awakenings and write when my mind feels best suited for the task. Have a good night everyone.

Why Hunting?

I've recently decided that I will be moving back to Kentucky so I've started looking for a place to live. I am going to be living with a couple friends and we need to stay within a pretty decent range of prices but we need a pretty big living area because we are all idiots. My problem is I wont be going back to kentucky until I actually move there, so how exactly am I suppose to judge a place if I can't see it? I just feel like I have so much going on right now but in all actuality I have less than most. I don't know, there really is no point of running my mouth about it...I just wish the perfect place could fall into my lap and I would live there happily ever after. If anyone knows or has any ideas, let me know. I would be in your debt.

At the moment...

I've run into sort of a rough spot when it comes to my music lately. I can't seem to write much and when I do it all seems so redundant that I get sick of writing it so fast. I don't know if maybe ive finally hit the proverbial ceiling in my songwriting ability or if I just don't have enough going on around me to write about. I just feel like i've come to this point where each song could go somewhere but I've lost sight of where to take it...like I put the keys in the ignition, start the car, put it in drive but have no idea where its going to. Unfortunately unlike somethings in life, you kinda have to know where your going with your writing. There is some music out there that you just wince at and have a hard time believing that these people were actually given a record deal and its those people that get the most airplay and radio promotion. But thats another day another dollar. I don't feel like i've written that one song to sum up my entire ability as a songwriter/musician and though I have a good amount of years left and I am nowhere near being a professional...I feel like it should have already come. I will keep climbing up the mountain...but ive gotta get some water soon before I crash.

Something new isn't always bad...

I went itunes surfing the other day and came across an old artist (new to me) by the name of Lucinda Williams. I bought the cd "Car Wheels on a Gravel Road" and love it. The song "Cant Let Go" is one of my favorites and the writing in "I lost it" shows a side of an artist that so few of todays musicians have. Her genre is on the side of country/folk rock but if you can look past it then you will enjoy her music thoroughly. Check her out when you get the chance...shes been on repeat in my car for the past 3 days.

The Letters....

I've been reading this book...which without even finishing it I will strongly recommend it to anyone who is an artist, writer, poet or who creates absolutely anything. The book is called "Letters To A Young Poet" by Rainer Maria Rilke. I'm telling you it is absolutely amazing. I walk away from literally almost each page shaking my head at how much it strikes the heart of an artist. The gist of the book is as follows. A young writer by the name of Franz Xaver Kappus seeks out Rilke and asks him to critique his work. Rilkes response is not one that he or any person would expect im sure because Rilke, a renowned poet, tells Kappus that he is not worthy to critique his writing if he is writing from the heart and if he feels he can not live without writing. It jumpstarts this wonderful relationship through letters between the two poets and as you read you dive a little deeper into each part of the writers hearts. You see the vulnerability in Rilke and how passionate he is about writing. Though I don't believe you ever read a letter from Kappus, you can sense his gratitude and respect for Rilke and the privilege he feels it is to have a friendship with such a person. A line from the book that almost made me cry reading it is "Go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows, at its source you will find the answer to the question "Must I Create". To someone who longs to be heard through his art...a line like that is golden. I loved it so much that im getting it put on my forearm for my 21st birthday and my first tattoo. But on the real, this is an amazing book...go pick it up...its like 10 bucks.

And then there were two

I found out today that my parents are flying my best friend and I to New York for my 21st birthday. We are going to be out there from July 1st through the 4th. I'm pretty excited seeing as how its one of my favorite cities in the world because of the culture and the variety of people that coexist there. I went once a few years back and loved it so I'm extremely excited to go back a second time around to catch what I missed. Whats always amazed me and it probably shouldn't I guess, is the fact that you can be in one place at 2 o clock and then a few hours later half way around the country. Its like you wake up get dressed and your home is in California but when you step outside 2 hours later after everything is taken care of and your ready to go to work your in Texas. Our time has changed so much and it never ceases to amaze me just how far we've come. With that on a side note...Did you know you can buy apple products I.E. Ipods, Ipod Touch and earphones from a vending machine?

Shouldn't the case be...?

I don't know what it is but somewhere the idea of what a love should be and what a love is has been lost in translation. I understand that there are times where our hearts decide to believe what our minds tell it and we fall into an idea of love that never really existed at all. The reality is not that love can be be found but it must be accounted for on the emotional. Too many times we mold a situation into what we long for it to be and push aside the facts and all the signs pointing towards the opposite thing that we should be choosing. Love is not a convenience, it is not here for one more than another. It is not something that one half can take lightly and the other be consumed in. When ones heart is at war the other should run to its defense and not be settled until peace has been found. When we long for someone because of loneliness we tend to look so quickly that we forget that we will not be the only life involved. So what do we do? We learn to not be able to say no and throw all we know as truth aside to feed our selfishness and greed. We look to better ourselves and not the other we are pursuing. Love is a selfless act and how we know we truly love someone is when we are willing to break our own hearts to repair anothers. Love is a choice not a feeling. So as caution to all those in search of finding something or someone to dig the roots of their heart into...make sure that the choice being made is one in which you will not regret when the morning comes.

There Used To Be

So what originally inspired me to start writing a blog? Doogie Howser...and im not kidding. I used to envy him as he sat there and wrote on one of the first personal computers to ever be owned...blue screen, white writing...I would do that but its so late eighties early nineties. I just loved how he could sit down at the end of each day and write out exactly what he felt his day consisted of and just what he learned from each life lesson. So as I attempt to do the same...read with kind eyes and be soft on the criticism...because im not Doogie.