Ever and ever...

There is clarity that comes through pain. I've stumbled upon it a couple of times. Everythings broken...you long to fix it...something comes along to mend it...but it only breaks you more and makes you realize that you werent as badly broken as you thought you were to begin with. Theres only a crack there now...same as everyone else.

I've done a decent job at picking myself up and dusting myself off. There are those times though that I wonder when Ill get help up instead of being left for the next good samaritan. Friends have been great...family has been good too...but I just want something with a different substance.

I got a message two days ago. Someone I never thought I would hear from again. Someone I wish I hadn't heard from. I was doing so well...I still am...but it still gives me imagery to think on. I'm better this way...I know it, you know it. Theres not a question as to how I should respond. I shouldn't.

This heart on my sleeve hasn't held up well. I've been kind of forced to change its location. Theres an answer there somewhere...He'll bring it. Maybe I'm not ready...maybe I'm being stopped so something doesn't happen again...another blast I wont be able to recover from for awhile...

Today...

Today is the best day to begin a new life. I feel like in some respects every morning we get up we need to restart our lives. I understand that there are things that weigh on you or that hinder you on a consistent basis...but those burdens and that sinful weight should be given to the Lord before we sleep so we can be awakened with a new refreshed spirit to serve and be used for Christ.

I have a problem with past sins clinging to my heart strings and pulling on them whenever I feel weak in the spirit. I allow those crimes to seep back into my mind and convince me that as a child of God I am not deserving of His grace and mercy. The best part of it is that i'm not...and though those feelings in and of themselves are wrong in one aspect they are completely right in another.

None who follow or do not follow for that matter are deserving of the mercy of the Lord. But in His loving kindness for His people He puts aside the fact that we are undeserving, covers us in His blood and longs to see us in His dwelling place. Our God is not a mean father holding a tree branch waiting for us to come home late from playing so he can discipline us. Our God is the father who begs us not to disobey so that he would not have to discipline His children.

We should be hurt not by the punishment but more so the fact that we have been given an ultimate gift... a gift that will satisfy us for eternity... a gift so sweet and beautiful that no picture could emphasis its worth...and with that gift we continue to spit in the face of Christ without remorse and wake up ready to do it again the next day.