Forgiveness is the ultimate high

I know that forgiving is not suppose to be so narcissistic but theres something about accepting an apology that makes you feel like your shoulders can move...your lungs can expand and your heart can begin pounding again. There are those people you long to forgive but you dont know how...your mind is frozen back when you were hurt and you hope to be moved but you keep standing in place. I want relief...

Hello miss lady...

I need to do some renovating. I need to change this thing around. I havent posted in awhile but I still feel like people are going to come by and be disappointed with the view. Just a quick update...im seeing someone....im happy...I think shes happy...or as happy as she can be...shes great. Life is going pretty well...Im searching for apartments today...time to move. Ive been thinking about my friends a lot lately, where theyve gone and where we grew to. I remember my first best friend, Andrew, and I wonder what hes doing right now. Anyway...ill keep you posted on the blog change. Good day

All songed out...

So its 3:30 in the morning and I have no idea...(thats concrete anyway) as to why Im still up. Ive been in this writing rut lately and it has been bothering me. I have so many ideas to write down...ideas of change and movement in the world but its all new to me...I have never stretched myself to write songs with these ideas at the center.

Give me a break up, tell me a sad story or kick me when I'm down and I can give you a 3 minute summation of whats going on...but put me in a world where our economy is in the toilet, children are forced to be slaves to the war in their own countries and aids and poverty have a death grip that wont let go and I feel defenseless.

I have the words...maybe its the music that isnt there. Maybe Ive finally run out of my musical knowledge and its time to refuel. So starting tonight (Tuesday January 20th 2009) at 12:00 midnight I am going to close myself off to part of the entertainment business. Im unplugging my tv, putting away the video game controllers and picking up a book and some headphones.

I want to dive into the world of creativity and listen to all those albums Ive wanted to be reacquainted with for so long. I have a few books ive started and want to finish. I need to tap into this side for awhile. Im not putting a time limit on it...just until I feel comfortable and wont be numbed to art, beautiful and actual art.

Feel free to give me ideas as to books to read and music to listen to. I want to experience as many things as I can...thanks.

I'm leaving on a jet plane....

Sitting in an airport has always had two sides to me. There has always been an excitment when heading somewhere and the depression when heading back. I can honestly say that has always been the case.

Today my mom and I spent the day together before I wound up here sitting at the airport and it just keeps getting harder leaving rather than being comforted by the fact that ill see her again soon. I saw everyone I care about and love and it is always hard knowing your walking away from a place you are unconditionally loved.

Theres a safety there and right now im having that feeling that I am not as safe as I once was. My comfort zone has been broken again and it only took a short while to rebuild. As I sit here typing this I have people all around me watching my against the tears and probably hoping ill break soon so they can be entertained by me falling into a proverbial hole.

Its not all its cut out to be...growing up...moving out...and moving on...

Home is where....?

One thing I've realized is that home is never the way you left it. It has nothing to do with the people that live there or the places that have been built up since you parted ways with your old stomping grounds but because of the change that has taken place with you. I came home for a short weekend trip to see my brother before he headed back to college and it was one of the best times being home that I remember in a long time.

I look back on the times I came home from school and would feel out of place and wondered what in the world I was still coming back for. This trip opened my eyes to see that it was all what had happened to me and not where I had left.

There was no depressing moment of feeling like I've missed out and not much of a "Hey I really miss living here" feeling. I see my family often so I don't really have a need to come back home but it was different this time...more enjoyable...making me more comfortable with the idea of returning here more often.

To put my weekend in the shortest post possible, Home is where the heart is because one thing that never changes is the love of family and all that goes along with them.

and the winner is....

So I've been thinking a lot about posting my thoughts on music and the business the way that I see it. I am not someone who is on the inside or do I see how everything really plays out but this is how I see it.

There are more one hit wonders in this day and age than there were in the 80's and that is saying a lot. Lets think about it honestly...where is the real talent. Do we really have more than 3 bands that have come out of the past 9 years that are going to last? Don't get me wrong...there have been some talented artists but they are all quite similar and they will all fade quickly.

The old adage goes "It doesn't matter what you know, it's who you know" and that has never been more clear until now. When Miley Cyrus is the top selling artist in the business right now...we have problems. I am not going to tear her down or knock her in any way other than say this, she does not have any musical ability. There I said it

If your attractive or rich or have the right connections...record your voice through a tin can and out comes solid gold? I think the answer is there needs to be a better filter. Instead of having 20 okay bands to sell 5,000 records each, have 5 that will sell 20,000 records each. We need to see talent...music is a gift not something that just comes to everyone with the right equipment.

So in closing, I think that every record company should sent out an apology to each of its buyers for convincing the fools that made the purchase that the music is quality. I think they should let go of all the no talent hacks and put people in the studio that make music their passion and not a cheap hobby to make money or be famous...there...I said that too.

Its been awhile...

Dont ask me why I take as long as I do to write my blogs or come back to them. I know there are very few people that read it but it is quite the release for me. Lately I've just been trying to get things in order and really find out what it is I want to do. I've had so many dreams and aspirations that I dont know which one to start with and if any are even attainable.

Ive wanted to be a musician, a writer, both but I keep coming back to the same lazy excuse. Im afraid to work towards something I may fail at. So instead of throwing inhibitions to the wind I freeze up and give up.

Whats going on in your life? Are there things your not doing because your afraid of putting in the work and not getting the outcome you want? Let me know...fill me in...

The Music Lives...

So today oddly enough I was sitting and watching the VMA encore on the music in HD channel and Paramore came on to perform. Needless to say, I was stunned. I had heard their music before but something about watching it today made me feel enlightened and in some way overjoyed. There is something about music that moves me more with everyday. I know that most music is just a repetition of three chords, the same lyrics regurgitated to an extent but when someone is passionate about their art you can tell. If this is a rambling post than I apologize but when someone lets you into their world in as deep as a way as some performers you cant help but feel their pain or their joy. I find a way to take on the emotion of the artist and in turn correlate it to my own life. I encourage you to turn the lights off and listen to the Radiohead album "The Bends". Thom Yorke's hear and mindset is poignant in each song and you can't help but delve into his every emotion.

Think it through...

Maybe making the move was a bad idea. But I'm sure i'll be able to learn from it. Sometimes the things we think are the wrong choice end up being the best thing for us. I learn more from my mistakes than the things I get right on the first try. Maybe its because getting it right the first time makes me think things are easy and I forget what it means to actually work at something. Well I didnt get it right this time...but my wrong will hopefully be the most educational experience i've ever had.

Don't get me wrong...I love the area and I love most of the people but theres something missing. I was expecting something different then I got. The product that I was purchasing had a different description than what was on the box...and so on and so on. I am thinking about my next move..this time i'll know better to thoroughly think it through before making a rash choice.

Ever and ever...

There is clarity that comes through pain. I've stumbled upon it a couple of times. Everythings broken...you long to fix it...something comes along to mend it...but it only breaks you more and makes you realize that you werent as badly broken as you thought you were to begin with. Theres only a crack there now...same as everyone else.

I've done a decent job at picking myself up and dusting myself off. There are those times though that I wonder when Ill get help up instead of being left for the next good samaritan. Friends have been great...family has been good too...but I just want something with a different substance.

I got a message two days ago. Someone I never thought I would hear from again. Someone I wish I hadn't heard from. I was doing so well...I still am...but it still gives me imagery to think on. I'm better this way...I know it, you know it. Theres not a question as to how I should respond. I shouldn't.

This heart on my sleeve hasn't held up well. I've been kind of forced to change its location. Theres an answer there somewhere...He'll bring it. Maybe I'm not ready...maybe I'm being stopped so something doesn't happen again...another blast I wont be able to recover from for awhile...

Today...

Today is the best day to begin a new life. I feel like in some respects every morning we get up we need to restart our lives. I understand that there are things that weigh on you or that hinder you on a consistent basis...but those burdens and that sinful weight should be given to the Lord before we sleep so we can be awakened with a new refreshed spirit to serve and be used for Christ.

I have a problem with past sins clinging to my heart strings and pulling on them whenever I feel weak in the spirit. I allow those crimes to seep back into my mind and convince me that as a child of God I am not deserving of His grace and mercy. The best part of it is that i'm not...and though those feelings in and of themselves are wrong in one aspect they are completely right in another.

None who follow or do not follow for that matter are deserving of the mercy of the Lord. But in His loving kindness for His people He puts aside the fact that we are undeserving, covers us in His blood and longs to see us in His dwelling place. Our God is not a mean father holding a tree branch waiting for us to come home late from playing so he can discipline us. Our God is the father who begs us not to disobey so that he would not have to discipline His children.

We should be hurt not by the punishment but more so the fact that we have been given an ultimate gift... a gift that will satisfy us for eternity... a gift so sweet and beautiful that no picture could emphasis its worth...and with that gift we continue to spit in the face of Christ without remorse and wake up ready to do it again the next day.

Too long...

It feels like forever since I've taken the time to sit down and blog, or maybe I just haven't had anything important enough to say. Lately I have been in awe of just who Christ is. I have been reading a book called "When I Don't Desire God" by John Piper and in the first chapter and a half, a huge weight dropped on my heart. How many times do we seek joy in the creation? How many times do we long to fill the void with something that the Lord has molded and put together when the only satisfying thing is Christ Himself?

I have a list of things I want...a list of things I feel like I need and when I got to Kentucky I felt like it was finally time to start checking those things off. I created an agenda and I was just hoping the Lord would go along with it. How egotistical and arrogant is that? The redeeming savior gives His mercy and grace bottomlessly and here I am wanting to force a square into a circle by telling God what I want.

When we seek joy in the Lord there is nothing more satisfying because two things are happening. We are delighting ourselves in Christ and finding true joy that exists only in loving and worshipping a true sinless Savior. More importantly we are glorifying God in finding joy in Him. When we find joy in christ it doesn't mean that we aren't getting those things we want but we are getting them not by our own power but because the Lord is blessing us even when He shouldn't.

In these blessings it may not include the things that we say we want...cars, relationships or money, but when our hearts are aligned with the heart of the Lord he changes the desires of our hearts to serve Him to the best of our ability and glorify Him with the blessings he has given us and only to glorify Him. Our God is good and deserves all glory, all honor and all praise.

The Past Few Days...

I can honestly say that I have gone through one of the most trying times in my life this past weekend. I made the move to Kentucky thinking that everything was in order and I would be able to move in to my apartment on friday and settle in for a couple days until I started my job. Well I was wrong and from friday on it has just been a whirlwind of problems.

When I showed up at the apartment that I was suppose to be living in with my roommates, it was a disaster and completely unacceptable as a place to live. The walls were yellowed and cracked, the appliances were old and the oven had a broken handle that had been duct taped back on. It was nowhere near what I was shown when I was here to visit and I had no choice but to pass on it.

One of my roommates and I started looking for a place to live immediately knowing that we didnt have a roof over our heads and hoping to find one that would be available. We went through place after place and three days later we found one. I have been living in this hotel and out of a suitcase for far too long and I am ready to be organized and have my life back in order.

After being thrown through the wringer by a few different complexes and almost neutering my dog just so I could get into a place asap we are finally hotel free and apartment bound. I hope that this will be someplace I can call home soon. I need it...

The Lord is good and has made provisions for me and has taught me patience through all of this. It is true that if the birds and animals are taken care of then why would He not take care of His children. Remember that even when the path is dimly lit and you may not be able to see in front of you there is a hand guiding you in the right direction even though it may not be clear until you've reached your destination.

The First Goodbye...

Tonight I said goodbye to the first two people I love. Nathan and Bethany Gaddis have been like a brother and sister to me. Over the past few years of our friendship I have grown to trust them with the most intimate details of my life, share in some of the happiest moments of my life and plummit together during the bad. Nathan has become my best friend and Bethany the same. She is the blunt big sister who puts me in my place and tells me when i'm wrong and he is the one person who can tell me im and idiot and I can accept it whole heartedly...well sometimes. As I walked out of their living room and down the steps to the door it was as if each step I took away from them gave way to more and more tears.

I looked back when I shut the door to the house and I saw Nathan looking back at me and it was then that I realized that he and his family have become my family. Jaxon, their 3 yr. old son, is one of the most amazing and intelligent kids I have ever been around. There are those kids that you're around that annoy you after about 15 minutes but Jax just has this way about him that no matter what he says or does you just want to say "Are you kidding me" (a quote that he will commonly repeat because it makes you laugh) and pick him up and hug him.

Jovie is their baby daughter and though she is still growing you can already see the personality and potential that she holds. Shes adorable and her chubby cheeks light up when she laughs and it just makes you want to do the same thing.

Lastly, I said goodbye to my grandparents. I can't begin to express the feeling that came with hugging my grandparents and telling them goodbye. I love them and they have been a pillar of strength in my life.

It was hard...theres not many other ways to describe it

Convictions...

I have been thinking a lot lately about the definition of conviction. I know that it is a topic discussed often within church circles but I think we forget sometimes that the word is more universal than just church members and christians. I was thinking about why we are convicted. Are we still in a point in this day and age where the Holy Spirit convicts us or are we just morally aware of good and evil?

Are the things that we have been taught which are good and evil what brings this feeling of guilt on us? When you wrong someone or curse someone out...do we feel guilt because it truly is wrong or because when we were younger our mothers and fathers, grandmother and grandfathers smacked us and told us they better never hear those words again? I wonder if the things we feel "convicted" about today are the same things they did 100 years ago or even 20 years ago.

I think we put so much emphasis on the feeling of conviction and what we "should" be convicted about and less on what is actually morally correct and incorrect. If I sit down and have a drink at home...why should I feel convicted about that? I'm not causing any of my brothers or sisters to stumble...im at home...alone...drinking in moderation.

Stop pushing the idea of conviction and what you feel convicted about upon everyone else. There are the clear cut morally wrong issues but everything else...just walk away and leave it up to the heart of the other.

The Top 500....

So Rolling Stone magazine released a list of the top 500 albums to own, period. So it is only natural that me as a musician and lover of music should own these 500 albums or however many of them I don't. This is my new goal and it is to be accomplished before July of next year. Hear is my request. If any of you who reads my blog have any of the cds from this list Top 500 Albums of All Time please let me know. I am trying to get them in any way possible other than illegal download. I think it would be a great story if I got a lot of them from people every where but I will continue my goal even if noone responds. I will update you each time I buy an album to cross off the list. Until then please help. You can contact me at top500albums@yahoo.com. It will go directly to my phone and I will respond immediately. Thank you to all who will be keeping an eye open! Wish me luck!

First Purchase - Led Zepplin - Led Zepplin

But I Still Love Technology...

All this talk about the iPhone and everything that goes along with it has got my head spinning. I'm only 21 and I feel like the old man who is trying to learn too much at one time. There are so many different things to be done and so little time to master them because another application or slick and savvy instrument comes right along behind it. But even though it has become an uphill battle I will continue to press on and try to defeat this enemy known as technology.

History repeating...

There are those nights where you could take everything back...where all you need is the second chance...reaching out for it...longing for it. Tonight is slowly becoming one of those nights for me. Maybe I deserve the things that have happened to me. Maybe I have brought each and every consequence upon myself. I just wish there was some way to at least figure that out.

I want to know if the time-line that is my life could have been side stepped or avoided in some way. I want to look past the whole idea of what I've gone through has shaped the man I am and really get to the heart of my past. Have I wronged so many people that in some way "karma" has found its way to my doorstep? I'd like to think that I've made just as many mistakes as the next person but it's hard to believe sometimes.

In no way am I saying that I lead a completely miserable life. All I am wanting to know is if I could have put some type of guard around my tongue and mind that could have prevented the outcome that I am now experiencing. I want to take it back...I would give anything to take it back. The problem is that I can't complain about what I am reaping because I've sown it.

One more lap...

As the time grows closer for me to climb the next mountain of moving my entire life to Kentucky I have been wondering what things lay ahead. I'm full of excitement at the thought that all this time my life had kick started when in all actuality this is what it needed, to separate myself from what i've known for so long and re-plant my roots somewhere else.

I wonder if the place im going to live in will feel like home. If it will have a feeling of comfort after a tough day or when that feeling like a wave with incredible force is coming down upon you. Will I meet people that will challenge me to become a different person and step out of the comfort of who I am. All these things I want and am hoping for...the question is will it all happen the way Im wanting.

On a side note...New York was incredible. After being there it makes me want to come home and alter the whole city of Naples into this quick paced, run across the street before you get hit, hop on the subway before the door closes kind of place. I loved every aspect of it, the dirtiness, the beauty, the people and even the hecklers. If you ever get the chance to go you would be crazy to turn it down.

By the way...Do you like comedy?

A Temporary New York State of Mind...

So here we are...almost two days down and I am already fearing Friday. When I walked off the plane and into the city I have to be honest...it was as if I was home as cheesy as it sounds. The night before I left I was more excited than I had been in a long time. I couldn't sleep. I was ready to get out of Naples, ready to see a different scene and just wanting to be in a city with culture and a nightlife.
Since I've been in the sitting I've found myself envying all of the people that ive here. I know that they aren't all living the great life or have lots of money but they are in a place with more variety and walks of life than maybe any other place in the world. Living in Naples and coming to a place like New York City you find yourself feeling like an ant in the Sahara. The weird thing about it is that it doesn't create a sense of fear but a sense of comfort. You know that with all those people there has to be someone who will accept you, someone who will want you and someone who will be there for you.
I love the fast-paced lifestyle and the fact that somehow with all the craziness everyone in the city just kind of meshes together and runs smoothly. I don't want to leave...